oh look


i haven't produced any "art" for months
i only ever came on here to be weird

but im not weird anymore

well
no
i am
but i try to be less public about being weird

i try to be less public in general and have reverted back to my ignorepeopleatallcosts attitude, i just want a holiday from noises and bodies and movement and how are you?s and howisyoursummer?s and weneverreallytalkanymore....s


ohhh im getting weird again, i need to buy an excercise book and scribble the shit out of it

lol did i just threaten an exercise book?


anyway.. what?
ohyeah

I need to get off my arse and start creating and stop being weird
and see a dr.. and probably a dentist.. and an optician

tho, fun story
about a month ago I went along the opticians and nearly passed out 'cus i hadn't eaten, barely slept and the back of my eye was grossing me out (yakno where they shine a light back there and you can see the veins(?)) it was JUST like this [link]
the optician being Glenn Beck and i being David Buckner. we were also discussing Obama's "path to destruction" aswell, odd.

my friends are no fun, none have heard of Beck, Limbaugh or even fox news.


seen that episode of sarah silverman program where she gets high and calls herself? i've been recording conversations between a drunk me and my friend stephen, apparently i don't think highly of the pyramids and i can hear my dad in me. i knooooow "you're not your father" but you are 50% of him and thats undeniable.

ok one last thing just so its off my mind...
to answer an earlier question, here is how my summer has been...
ive seen things that have made me ..apathethic
things where im just like "so?"
like the piercing sounds of jack screaming at my dad to stop hitting his mother.
or the way he throws huge tantrums everytime someone leaves the house because everyone has threatened to fuck off so many times he has no trust in us when we say we'll be back.
or the image of my father holding a knife staggering, stinking, screaming.. n we lock him in a room so he doesn't disturb whatever tv show is on in the next room.
or the fact i heard that fucker claim that i'm who i am because he beat me as a child. if im a success its down to his drunken ass? him throwing me out the house at 12 yr old and leaving me on my mother's doorstop hoping she was still awake so i wasn't locked out in the middle of the fucking night. perhaps they should put that in the curriculum to build children's characters? (my father is a school teacher btw)

how does a person become apathetic to a child's crying? some nights i can look at jack and feel nothing but the annoyance that his crying is drowning my itunes. some days i just get so angry .. at irrelevant things, things that happened months ago but for whatever reason jump into my mind and i turn to my left.. and there's jack. there's my release for anger. and if i was to record my actions and view them back they'd most definiately make me ill.. or i wouldn't care. because thats my normality, thats why my father doesn't care because thats his normality.. and his father before him. and for my son? i dunno. there's no much violence in this house. in all of us, there's not a single person here who hasnt swung a punch at another of us. it's exhausting. anyway..

i wonder what made it so easy for me to disown my own mother but this man, the same man who for a day acted as if i was literally invisble cus i let slip he smacked me to a teacher in primary school.. he still has my loyalty



ah i ended up being weird again

nevermind.. we all need a release whether its in spoken word or written
image or sound
relationship or substance

so thats my summer, thats how i've been, thats why we don't talk anymore and thats why i need to start creating again....

sorry for my poor writing. i write as things come to mind.